Confessions of a Loner Mom Who Wants Friends

Have you ever met one of those friend-magnet moms? They walk into a room, and everyone either already knows them or wants to.

That’s not me.

Though I played competitive volleyball and grew up attending a large Southern California high school, I was always the girl on the outside looking in. The strangest part is that it didn’t bother me. I wasn’t weeping in the corner and wishing I had plans on Friday night. And this didn’t change when I left home and started college — it got worse.

It didn’t take long to find Nathan, and I spent 99% of my time with him. My roommates would be off having chips and margaritas, and I would be hanging out with Nathan. Long story short, they grew so tired of me being AWOL that I was formally asked to leave the friend group and put on notice that I would not be welcome to live with them the following year.

Ouch.

That moment hurt a lot, and the fallout was incredibly awkward, as we had a whole semester left of living together. However, that horrible debacle opened my eyes to something important about myself.

I am not a girls’ girl.

Girls Night Out doesn’t charge my batteries — it wears me out. I have to psych myself up for social things. I’m worried about putting my foot in my mouth, coming off the wrong way, and being awkward. Some women can waltz up to a group of girls and blend right in. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.

Don’t misunderstand me and think I’m an overly anxious agoraphobe, but I’m just not gifted in making friends.

The huge bummer is that I really do want friends, but girls who aren’t girls’ girls have a tough time finding girls to hang out with.

And I understand why. No one wants to hang out with a flake. I know for a fact I was not kind to my roommates. Back then, I couldn’t express or articulate what I was thinking or feeling, so I bailed on them, and they, dealing with their own hurt and frustration, reacted the way they did.

After being kicked out of the group, I retreated further into myself and my relationship with Nathan, and I was happy as a clam. Honestly. I didn’t need anyone but my husband and my family. There’s still a small part of me that could easily switch back into this mode. I could shut the world out, never see another soul outside my family, and be fine.

I certainly wasn’t going to “put myself out there” and try to make new friends. For what reason? With friendship comes obligations and lots of work trying to maintain the relationship.

But the reality is, I hadn’t been introduced to the right type of friend yet.

My (rocky) friendship journey

My stint as a veritable recluse went on for years until Nathan and I eventually (finally) found a church home.

COVID shut down churches in our area, but sadly, we didn’t notice. We had been attending a mini-mega church in town, but weren’t involved in the community.

Thankfully, we found what was to become our home church for the next three years. It was there that I found my first real friendships.

It took 26 years to find some real friends, but it finally happened.

Those relationships will always be incredibly special to me, and I was very sad to leave them when we moved back to Wenatchee. Most importantly, those women showed me what true friendship can look like.

I didn’t need to see them weekly or text them constantly. We knew our friendship was alive and well, and we leaned on each other whenever we needed it.

I am so glad to say that I have found similar friendships here in the Valley. The women I have connected with at MomCo, Bible Study Fellowship (BSF), and our home church (Saddlerock EPC) are kind, welcoming, and understanding.

My friendships now challenge me to speak up for myself, say yes to the things worth saying yes to, and say no to things and let that be okay.

I still have more work to do

I haven’t converted into an extrovert mom overnight, and I doubt I ever will. But I have evolved over the years and opened my heart and mind to the necessity of community.

I may not always realize it, but I really do need community — and so do you.

Nearly a third of Americans experience loneliness every week; 10% feel lonely every day.

But that’s not all. A whopping 69% of mothers feel lonely. That’s insane. If you’re not struggling with loneliness, you can almost guarantee that another mom you know is.

And loneliness isn’t good for lots of reasons. We often forget how closely linked our mental and physical health are. Loneliness inevitably gives way to mental and emotional health problems, like mood swings, depression, anxiety, and the like. Those mental health challenges can fester and start attacking your physical well-being, triggering issues like heart problems, cognitive decline, and more.

Phew.

I can attest to the effects of loneliness. Last year at this time, I had just moved, was in the middle of a tough pregnancy, it was winter, we didn’t have a home church, and I was (and still am) living in a studio apartment above my parents' garage. All the mom groups and Bible studies were full, and I had no sense of community.

What shocked me the most was that I was missing my friendships.

This was a huge change from where I had started years ago. The friends I moved away from had so vividly displayed genuine friendship that suddenly, I craved it and was hurting without it.

I’m sure you’ve gone through a rough patch like that. Where everything is new, you lose your sense of self, and your village shrinks.

These days are much more cheerful.

We welcomed our second baby boy in August 2024 (see ya later, heartburn), I signed up early for MomCo and BSF, and we found a comfortable church home.

I’d hate for you to read this post and think that my joy in life is situational and that the next time I move, I’ll sink into depression. Yes, the transition to Wenatchee was difficult, and I am much more lighthearted now that I’m back in a rhythm and connected with solid friends.

However, I cannot stress enough that through the ups and downs, my faith in Jesus kept the lights on in my heart. I may have oscillated between sadness and happiness, but I never once lost my joy, which is deeply rooted in my faith.

So, where do you and I go from here?

For all the moms reading this who relate, I want you to do this.

First, realize your friendship type and don’t be ashamed of it.

Second, remember that many other women aren’t like you, and they don’t often understand women like us. In fact, we often hurt them.

Third, be honest with your friends. Having a conversation about how you operate isn’t just a good idea; it should be considered an essential moment in your relationship. Without communication, your friends will dismiss you as a flake, and you’ll hurt their feelings when you don’t come through.

Fourth, remember the importance of community. I know you don’t always want to attend the mommy group, and you’d rather keep your struggles private. I know a night on the couch with your husband sounds vastly more exciting than dinner and drinks with the girls. However, it’s beneficial to branch out, open your heart, and let people in.

Why? You can’t do this alone. It certainly takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to raise a woman. The Bible says that “iron sharpens iron” for a reason.

Fifth, don’t be discouraged if you haven’t found your people yet. I promise they’re out there. Don’t force yourself into friendships you know you can’t maintain because you’re desperate.

For all my friendship professionals out there.

We love and need you (even if we struggle to admit it). You get us out of our cocoons and make us do stuff — thank you.

Remember that we exist.

We’re sorry if we hurt your feelings. Forgive us and know that we truly do value our relationship.

I am so grateful for my friendship journey, and I am so grateful to be living here in the Valley, where I have found my people and my community. Drop a comment and tell us about your friendship journey!

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* I love my living situation now; it was just a shock to the system coming from the home we left in Iowa. My mom cooks us dinner every night, my dad takes my toddler golfing, we have babysitters on demand, and two extra sets of hands. Nathan and I have all the support we need to be the best parents we can be. Thanks, Mom and Dad.